Understanding Why The Fear Of Darkness May Have Contributed
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It was a real fear, so I am not saying don't take your daughter's worries seriously. What I am saying is do not necessarily conclude that it is because she was adopted or that it reflects a deficit in your bond with her. I was always and am still close to my mother. Your daughter is probably bright and imaginative and perhaps slightly nervous in temperament. For all kids, four is an imaginative, wild age. Kids that age think of all kinds of crazy things, some of them dark, and they aren't yet very good and sorting real from pretend, life from dreams, etc.
My six-year-old is afraid of television, videos, and some storytellers and performances. When I tell people about this, mostly they respond as though it's good, but it is starting to effect her life, and she's self-conscious about being a ''scardy- cat.'' She's not afraid of most things but she still feels self- conscious. I've tried watching innocuous PBS shows with her, but it doesn't seem to help. She is somewhat less afraid of ''scary stories'' than she was a couple of years ago, but even now at performances she tends to panic.
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My six year old daughter is afraid to be left alone in any room in our house. She always wants to play within my sight. I haven't been overly concerned about this, but recently she said she hates being afraid. And what she is afraid of is kidnappers or robbers in the house. I've tried explaining that we are safe. And that I can protect her. She wants to lock all the doors and windows. I've started to give her a little advice about being safe or protecting herself. But this seems to raise anxiety.
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I think I am not sure how to look at this? Should I be more supportive to his readiness? Or is there anything I can help him to deal with his anxiety/fear of a large group of kids? I think I am also concerned if he needs our help to build up his confidence. Yet I am not sure if it is ok to expose him to this situation (I thought he might get used to). Anon
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This may make me sound like the worst parent ever, but I put it off for a year because I just couldn't fathom driving to Marin for regular appointments. Let me say I wish I hadn't. His name is Stephen Zilber and I was really amazed at the results. With our daughter is was a stomach ache issue. Every time we got in car she got car sick, sometimes actually vomiting, sometimes just crying. I mean if we drove a block. Finally I broke down and made an appointment because I couldn't figure out how to live our life with out getting in a car.
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My 6 1/2 year-old daughter has always been the fearful/anxious type. Some of her fears are: loud noises, especially popping noises (balloons, fireworks, yes, the auto-flush too) animals, especially dogs and birds. She is also afraid of certain TV/movie charachters, specifically Nemo and Woody from Toy Story (''because they have black eyes''), and, oh yeah, any Nutckrackers.
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Hi Rendy, While a specific fear of the dark tends to develop later in children, babies and young toddlers can certainly be afraid of being away from their parents, especially when they’re placed in new and unfamiliar environments. Of course, if you’ve changed routines during your travels, moved your daughter into a bed/new cot or suddenly changed her sleeping ‘cues’ (eg a blanket, mobile, rocking, breast or bottle feed etc) then this might also have contributed. Hopefully with time, consistency and your patience, she’ll begin to feel more safe and secure (and sleepy!
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You might check into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which is great for kids and adults dealing with anxiety. There are lots of CBT therapists out here, many who specialize in working with kids. There's also a good book, What to do When You Worry Too Much. Remember the deep breathing for yourself, too . anonymous
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She's also afraid of the darkness, and there are times when she doesn't want to go anywhere in the house alone. I've always believed that these problems are due to her being highly sensitive. She is also a very bright kid, not sure if she'd qualify as gifted, but definitely very smart. She's otherwise happy and sociable.
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My point is to maybe pay attention to when, and how much you praise her and consider if it's possible that praising choices may be a contributing factor. The recommendation was to be more neutral in our comments, rather than making a big deal praising our children when they do something: acknowledge it by saying something like ''wow, that's the highest I've ever seen you swing on the swings'' rather than ''you're getting so good on the swings!'' The idea being that the second kind of phrase can subtly apply pressure to the child, having them feel that it's important to be ''good'' at all of the things they do, and therefore reluctant to try new things, in case they're NOT good at them (because then they won't get our praise/approval).
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My daughter is 18 months and wakes up every night screaming. She is awake. She will not go back to sleep until I lay with her. We have 3 other school aged kids who need their sleep. If anyone reads this and has any ideas let me know. She points to the corner of the room with the night light every night. I would like some sleep of my own. Thanks!
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Our son still wants company while falling asleep and if he wakes up in the night...I know the usual advice is to gradually move away so the kid gets used to the by-yourself way. However he is so scared of ghosts with long white fingers (shiver!) in the crawl-space in his room and other stuff we are reluctant to just have him tough it out. Any ideas? Thank you! Kristine
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The ways in which your child might express their night-time fears will depend on how often they’re frightened and on their age and language skills. Perhaps your child has become an expert in delaying tactics as bedtime approaches. Or does your little one start to panic as you tuck them in under the covers? Maybe you have a regular night-time visitor clambering up into your bed? My oldest child who was aged two at the time would wake screaming in the middle of every night. It was only after many months of this that we realized that her fear of sleep was a result of the monsters who visited her in her dreams, threatening to devour her.
So... there is hope for your daughter. My one bit of parent-to- parent advice would be to not project your worries and concerns so she won't pick up on them and this becomes an ''issue'' for her. That includes ''pushing'' her to do more. I think this can backfire by creating performance anxiety on top of her normal fears. Showing confidence and pleasure in what she's doing will do more to boost her self-confidence than subtle criticism or worrying that she's not doing more. Continue to show delight in her, whatever she does or doesn't do, while offering her plenty of opportunities to expand her comfort zone.
Do a ''house protecting'' ritual by burning some sage with your daughter to ''push out all the bad energy so that bad things/people won't want to come here''. Walk around with a smoking smudge stick ('sweet grass' mixtures smell nicer and are what Native Americans used). Hold the smoking smudge thing over something to hold falling ash, and the idea is you're pushing the smoke into all parts of the house to ''chase out'' anything that doesn't belong there. Tell her the purpose of the smoke is to make people in the house safe.